“Let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be”. - The Beatles I am reminded of my personal growth journey of the last 6 years in these words, every time I hear this song. A song that takes me back to my childhood; the very origin of of the pain and suffering I would endure as an adult, that I only recently began to truly understand. You see, daily anxiety and frequent panic attacks will take a person to the brink of their madness, and by madness I mean very “normal” human madness. Motherhood will do that to you. But motherhood done consciously, when the rest of your world - and the entire world at that - is largely unconscious, will bring you to an acute awareness more quickly. And that’s what happened to me. I lost my voice somewhere at a time in childhood I couldn’t begin to pinpoint. I don’t remember a time when my authentic nature was honored. There was no sudden shift, I was born into a world not meant for me. I had a conscious awareness that I could’t make sense of, and a family life that valued an obedient, “good” child more than a curious, and free-spirited one with an “otherness” to her that they simply couldn’t understand, let alone honor. So, I kept my perceptions to myself. I conformed to a life that wasn’t meant for a child like me, and lost my authentic voice and natural expression along the way; out of necessity to stay out of trouble, mostly, but also because of a desire to belong, to fit in and be loved. This fracture from my authentic, true self would follow me the rest of my life. Dr. Gabor Mate’ says: “People have two basic needs: authenticity and attachment. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity”. Gabor, as he prefers to be called, is spot on. Rarely are parents conscious enough when having & raising children to avoid doing this to their kids. So, out of a need for survival, a very real “fear of annihilation”, as wisdom teacher Eckhart Tolle has called it, we become what our parents expect of us. Our minds are conditioned, and the fractured sense of self begins; only to grow more and more dense as the years go by. We lose our connection to our authentic Selves, our true, abundant nature, and we live in a seemingly perpetual state of fear and lack. Most of us chase a feeling of desire for wholeness the rest of our lives. We chase attachment to fill the void left behind in childhood. Some find the “you complete me” scenario with a romantic partner, some through one addiction or another; some with both. But none last for long. Satisfaction and fulfillment cannot be found on the outside of ourselves, you see, and soon after the “compete” feelings end, the suffering in relationship begins. Soon after the “complete” feelings from alcohol, drugs, food shopping, video games, etc end, the internal suffering and feelings of lack begin. What we are all chasing at the end of the day is a bridge back to the authentic, abundant Self that was fractured in childhood. A validation that we are enough. That we are worthy. That we are lovable just as we are. We are seeking a connection back to the unconditional love we all are within, but are told is outside of ourselves because that was the reality of our childhoods. And, boy, did I do my share of seeking fulfillment outside of myself. I never lost my perceptions, or my drive for the meaning of life, but I did succumb to the conditioned thinking pattern that I could find happiness outside of myself, in relationships as well as indulgences. All of them temporary. None of them ever truly satisfying. Then motherhood came. And with it a determination to give my kids everything I didn’t have: Secure attachment; Emotional validation, and valuation of EQ as much as - if not more than - IQ. I would be a human they could feel safe with to be exactly who they were. I would honor their unique spirits and give them a space to realize their deepest dreams and fulfill their life purpose. I would be a conscious parent. Little did I know how the circle of fire that was my life would close in around me by making this choice, a choice that once made, there is not backing out from. When one awakens, one cannot go back to sleep. And conscious parenting awakens you like no other. Awakening to your own truth, so you can keep your children connected to their own, is undoubtedly best for everyone. But, if you’ve built a life around you based on the illusions of the false self - the ego & inner child - this can cause conflict in a way that brings everyone closer to their truth, or force the unstable to crumble and then have to rebuild from scratch. Our destiny was the latter. Always the truth-seeker, I was, and still am, determined to learn from everything happening, to make the proverbial lemonade out of lemons. I fear not destruction and change, like the Phoenix fears not the fire. As Maya Angelou says, “And still I rise”. This, has always been my way. No matter the pain, the suffering, the trauma, I carry on, because, the cup, to me, is always half full. I feel, I heal, and I become more wise. And the wiser I become, the more connected to my authentic Self I become, and the more aware of of my true life’s purpose I become. I took responsibility for the co-creation of the life I built, the relationships I engaged in, and I evolved when they weren’t working anymore, or when the suffering became so acute that they crumbled under the pressure. I did that. The madness, the conditioning of my mind, did that. And now I’m free. So, after many years of trying to “fix” my marriage & family of choice, like I had as a child with my parents & family of origin, I made the very hard, but necessary choice to evolve, and consciously uncouple. Or, if you will, compassionately divorce. (The word divorce has so many negative connotations, I really wish there was another term for it.) This choice, however well-intentioned, took me - and my body - to its breaking point. Right after filing, and the reality of what had only been discussed (albeit many, many times over several years) was in front of us, I began developing symptoms of what I would soon find out was the autoimmune condition, Graves Disease & Thyroid Eye Disease. My mind has been through so much my whole life - familial and cultural conditioning, inauthentic living, abuses, traumas, repeated patterns over and over again - and my body now was showing me. Despite awakening to a truth that I am a deeply spiritual being, despite years of meditation and clearing my nervous system, despite flowing deeper into a life of spiritual wisdom teachings, despite trusting in the universe to guide me to my deepest callings to serve as a psycho-spiritual teacher & healer, my body still began attacking itself. Some may say it is because of all of this, that my body did what it did. Building and living a life without an authentic voice, a life based on the lies and fears of the false self, eventually crumbles. Which may explain why the average diagnosis of GD happens to women in their 40’s, (which is me). My soul’s call for authenticity became so loud, so irresistible, that finally, and for once in my life, authenticity trumped attachment. I was free, but not without consequence to what my mind and body had to be put through prior to that. I’ll write a separate, more in-depth blog about the body/mind relationship of autoimmune diseases, and underlying commonality of childhood stoicism & hyper-independence many autoimmune disease patients have, but Dr. Gabor Mate’ notes in his book ‘When The Body Says No’, “The young human being unconsciously banishes from awareness feelings or information, that, if consciously experienced, would create unsolvable problems….. In autoimmune disease, the body’s defenses turn against the self. In the life of a society - the body politic - such behavior would be denounced as treason. Within the individual organism, physical mutiny results from an immunologic confusion of self and non-self. In this disarray of boundaries, the immune cells attack the body as if the latter were a foreign substance, just as the psychic self is attacked by inward-directed reproaches and anger.” Being the “fixer” my whole life, taking on the stress and pain of others & holding it in, never being taught healthy boundaries or how to let go of other people’s pain that I absorbed (empathic children are here to be healers, but without being taught energetic boundaries, they never learn to let it go), never given the space to healthily express my own full range of emotions, including anger, took its toll. I formed intimate relationships from my false self (the fractured, fearful ego & inner child) and as I consciously parented my children, and held space for my them in the ways not properly done for me, the rest of my world crumbled, and so my body gave way to these forces. I learned a lot about my children being my spiritual partners and how to reparent myself from the very wise Dr. Shefali, and I truly trusted the process, but little did I see coming, my body reacting the way it did. As I dig deeper and deeper for the truth, I see why this has happened. The deeper into my healing I go, the more I uncover. Like layers of an onion, there’s always more to reveal. I realized how much shame and embarrassment I harbored. The fixer is generally good at keeping the family secrets, you see. They feel a duty to protect everyone in their family, including their parents. And without someone to talk to about their feelings, it all gets buried, and the false self solidifies. I had moments of reprieve as a small child, yes, like when I got to see my dad every other weekend. He’d pick my brother’s and I up on Friday evenings, and on the 30 minute drive to his home, I’d lay my head down in his lap (it was a bench seat in his truck and it was the early 80’s, and no seatbelt laws), breathe a sigh of relief, and fall asleep as he would sing The Beatles to me. But, alas, it was only a brief reprieve from the madness, and the toxic patterns and conditioning would form nonetheless, and endure and inform my whole life. I’m working every day to heal those parts of me that show up, and block me from my true, authentic Self. Healing is a journey. Through this healing process, I’ve seen more clearly, the calling of my soul; my purpose of being on Earth at this time. I’m here to serve. Not to fix - fixing was a formation of my ego - but to serve. And while childbirth, in my opinion, is a deeply spiritual experience (especially when left undisturbed), my role as a birth professional is not the only way I am here to serve humanity. I have studied and certified as a psycho-spiritual healer in Transpersonal Hypnotherapy, with Dr. Shefali as a Conscious Coach, with Eckhart Tolle as a practitioner of presence, and currently with Dr. Gabor Mate’ as a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner. Trauma work is where I’ll be focusing my attention going forward, as I have listened to the whispers within, and intuitively know I am here to help people identify their traumas and shine a light and show them the way back to their truth; exactly what I’ve done for the past 10 years as a doula. I will continue this important Truth-work in anyway that I can. xoxo, carrie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LET IT BE When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me Shinin' until tomorrow, let it be I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
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 Authenticity. What does it actually mean to be an authentic human? For me, it means coming back to wholeness. Living out loud, courageously, unapologetically. Living and speaking your truth, unafraid of what others will think or say, or whether they understand or “get” you. When you do this, you energetically vibrate on a level that naturally attracts to you what is good for you, what will help you continue your journey of growth and evolution. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel the duality of this world; pleasure/pain, health/sickness, loss/gain, etc. But it absolutely does mean that you will always deal with the world from a place of acceptance, joy or enthusiasm. You will always surrender to “what is”, without question, without resistance, without hesitation. You are still, you are aware, you are present, you are awakened, you are conscious. You are flowing with life.
Unfortunately, many of us walk through life feeling internally fractured, or “broken”. We feel empty, lack clarity, feel hopeless. Or simply, something just doesn’t feel right, something about the current course we’re on feels “off”. We lost touch with our intuition, our internal compass, somewhere along the journey and we’re not sure when or why or how. We harbor a deep pain energy within us, that often lays dormant, and sometimes emerges and overtakes us. It consumes our bodies, our minds, or both. We know there are parts of us that feel missing, or suppressed, but we aren’t sure how to heal or even why we should. I mean, after all, “its a dog eat dog world”, right? We need our ego armor to protect us, right? What ultimately happens to many of us, is the emotional pain and the ego armor creates enough suffering that we say “enough is enough!” And we explore other ways of being, of living, of feeling like our lives matter. And this is where the deep healing begins. The coming back to wholeness. The return to our intuition, our connection to our higher selves, that “knows” there is more to this journey of life than what the “normal” collective consciousness has made us believe that it is. This is the emergence of our authentic selves. A return to wholeness. My personal journey to authenticity has been an exploration of the parts of myself that I suppressed from childhood. The parts I kept hidden because I felt like I had to, in order to survive and be seen and heard, and loved, in the family I was born into. I was born with gifts. I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person), an empath and a visionary. I perceived the world in a very different way than everyone around me and anytime I spoke about it, I was met with stares of confusion, and then was either dismissed or, sadly, made fun of. And ask any HSP how they felt as a kid about being made fun of, and I guarantee you all of them will say it felt like death. So, as many children do, I learned how to perform roles to get my needs met, and to be acknowledged and validated by my parents, siblings and caretakers. This meant tucking away the parts that weren’t accepted, and only outwardly show what would garner attention and approval. And as life goes on, we either we forget about these “parts” altogether, or we keep them very secret, emerging only in safest of times with the safest of people. As a result, we walk through life feeling like something is missing, something is broken, something just. isn’t. right. And as we carry on day after day, year after year, we energetically and unconsciously vibrate on a level that is inauthentic to us and in many ways, stunts our growth. We attract people and situations over and over again that do not serve our highest good. Many of us still find ways to enjoy life at times; we travel, we have careers, we engage in friendships and romantic relationships, we marry and have children. But we just never feel whole. We never feel like we’re where we are meant to be. Sadly, many people turn to destructive behaviors, including substance and behavior addictions, to satisfy that feeling of emptiness, but it is only ever temporary. True healing starts from within. True healing begins with an acknowledgment that we are not at all responsible for what happened to us as children, but we are 100% responsible for our own healing. Our parents did the best the could based on the level of consciousness they were on at the time. Forgiveness is one of the first steps to moving beyond the limitations imposed upon us as children, and the fractures and suppression of the parts of ourselves that weren’t accepted or loved. Being “different” as a child, I saw things that were happening around me (and to me) and I felt a deep compulsion to help, to heal, to change it for the better. But I was a child and was impotent to doing what inherent in me, what I knew I came here to do. Fortunately, I never lost touch with my gifts. I always knew they were there, but I kept them well hidden. And all the while, continued to perform roles that my family, husband and society expected of me. These patterns of playing roles in order to be seen, heard and loved, lasted well into adulthood, as they do for many. But as my motherhood journey unfolded, and the calling to serve and empower women grew louder, I began to connect more deeply to who I truly was, and I was finally living my truth; and what was once “broken” began to heal. Healing and living authentically for me means following the path of truth, and using my gifts of being a visionary, empath and intuitive to serve and restore harmony, balance and healing to humanity and the Earth. I have always knowns I hold the gift of energy healing and of expanding the minds of others, of expanding consciousness. These are the gifts of the Medicine Women of the past. The Modern Day Medicine Woman holds these and many more, and she is what I lovingly call The Conscious Feminist. What does living authentically mean to you? What gifts have you forgotten about or are holding back that you’d like to manifest into the world? Respond below or message me. I’d love to hear from you and chat.  Rollin’ into 2020 like…..
The first day of a new year & new decade. And… My first blog! Welcome! If you haven’t yet read my bio, I am a birth professional, hypnotherapist, a mother of two, and totally passionate about conscious parenting and living. I have been writing informally for most of my life and I’m very excited to finally begin putting my words out there for all to read. One of my most vivid memories of childhood is my 8th grade AP English teacher suggesting I consider a career in journalism, because, as she put it, “you have a flair for writing…”. So, as my intentions for this new season of my life unfold, my first manifestation is all about speaking and spreading my truth, and living authentically. Here goes…. :) I’ve been on a long journey of awakening to my own truth. Finding courage to speak a truth your family, let alone the world, is not yet ready to hear, is really difficult. Especially if you are a HSP (highly sensitive person) like me. I always perceived the world differently than everyone around me, and could never understand why I either couldn’t be like everyone else, or why everyone else couldn’t understand me. I desired nothing more as a child than for my existence to be validated, for someone to truly listen, for someone who “got me”. As I’ve learned over my (nearly) 43 years, the power to live a full and happy life, actually lies within. Not through other people’s approval or understanding of you, but through your own self-worth, self-love, and ability to transcend the limitations placed upon you by family and society. I have always been a feminist, I am (and always have been) a “girl’s girl”, and I’ve viewed, for as long as I can remember, my purpose for being here as an agent for change in this world. I saw what limitations and expectations were placed upon me, simply because I was born female, at a very young age, and as you will learn over the course of my blog series, there are oh so many ways I’ve succumbed to, and ultimately triumphed over, the world and forces that didn’t want to see me strong, vocal, sentient, and especially not powerful. Though my mom often joked throughout my life, “I’ll never have to worry about Carrie”, because I was willing to call out injustice in my family, and when I saw it in the world, and as she put it “she’ll always make sure she gets her fair share of the pie”, the truth is, it wasn’t that linear for me. I had no mentors or role models growing up for how to be a fish swimming upstream, to stand strong and tall in a world that wanted me to lie down. I had only my own inner compass, a tenacity to follow my intuition, but also a lot of conditioning on how to play roles in order to navigate the world. In other words, I followed the dictates of my heart, but rarely revealed who I truly was along the way. I didn’t live authentically. I learned as a child how to be a certain way in order to be seen and heard. And having a mom with a big and vivacious personality, I learned how to be outgoing and charming, get noticed in ways that were not authentic to me; it was never who I truly was. I learned how to cautiously speak my truth, but never fully, and always conditional on my audience and circumstance. And I got by. And I’ve lived a lot of life. I’ve loved, traveled, lived abroad, married, had children. But it wasn’t until I had to really start facing my shadow self when I became a mother, that I finally started to chose me over what my husband, family and the world expected of me. I faced and nurtured my wounded inner child, I confronted my mother & father wounds, because I was determined to parent my kids in the way I needed as a child - gently, peacefully, consciously. And as I healed, my voice got louder, bolder, stronger. I confidently spoke about my truth without worry of offending or hurting someone’s feelings, and without, most importantly for me, worry of being rejected. I was becoming whole again, and living out loud, totally authentically. And consequently, the more I healed, the more confident I grew as a birth professional. The more I healed, the more clearly I saw my life’s purpose as a feminist, as an “agent for change in this world”. A doula “mothers the mother” during childbirth. She lovingly guides the birthing woman to a place of inner knowing, an intuition at the very core of her being, that both knows how to birth her baby into the world, but also birth the mother that lies within. My life’s purpose is to help, heal and empower women. Through the journeys of birthing and parenting consciously, we shift the collective consciousness, and heal our world. A woman who gives birth intuitively, fully empowered, is a woman who can change the world. So, as I look back on my own life journey, my awakening to my truth and the truth of the universe, I find a lot of wisdom that I am so ready to share with the world. Living consciously means living in the present, taking each moment as it is, free of ego and suffering, divinely guided, and showing up for myself, my children and the world unapologetically, totally authentically and with a heart full of love. No longer am I a fish swimming upstream fighting her way through a scary world that wants to silence her. I am a Conscious Feminist blazing a trail of love through a dark world that needs her light, and igniting the sleeping flames of the hearts of others along her way….. Happy New Year, everyone! “We’re all just walking each other home.” ~ Ram Dass |