I’m not your average hypnotherapist….or coach….or birth worker. One might say being a specialist in any of these areas isn’t a particularly good business model. I’ve “pigeon-holed” myself into a smaller clientele base, this is true, but what’s truer - and arguably more important - is that I’ve followed my authentic path. I’ve done what’s true for me, not what is conventional. And, I’ve had a propensity for beating to my own drum, following my inner intuitive voice, since I came into this world. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of social conditioning, trauma and hardship that “thickened my skin”, if you will, but even if I veered off course over my life and did what was expected of me (as a girl, a woman, a wife, a mother), I’ve always found my way back to my essential nature - I’m a service-oriented, highly sensitive & intuitive, empathic & compassionate spiritual visionary (who sees the pain but also the possibility in the world), and a truth-seeking justice warrior with a penchant for speaking truth to power and always asking, “but why does it have to be this way?”.
So you see, no matter what the world said I should be or do, or what I couldn’t be or do, I’ve still always dropped back into my heart, my truth, and followed my intuition. Even when it looked like the worst, most detrimental decision I could make. Even when all the well-meaning people said to do otherwise. I did what was true for me, what was right for my path, and I’ve never looked back. It’s not always been easy, but it’s always been right.
So, when, in business, I’m told to follow a certain blueprint for success, I consider it, and take what resonates true for me, and then pave my own path. I can’t just focus on the pain and healing. I’m an optimist, a glass half-full kinda of person, and always focus on the positive. Yes, the pain is there, I feel it too, we’re all human after all. But once you’re past the pain, wouldn’t you want someone cheering you on as you forge a path of truth, joy and fulfillment of purpose? To see and connect to the being that you are as well? That’s me. That’s what I do.
I hold the space to help you process your pain, let it go, and discover who you truly are. And this happens in all of the work I do - childbirth, hypnotherapy & coaching. The fun part for me is ALWAYS when my client goes - now that I’m no longer suffering, where do I go? And then we begin to explore their truth and their purpose. And I love using astrology as a pointer.
I’ve been into astrology as long as I remember (literally since I was a little girl reading the horoscopes in my mom’s Cosmopolitan magazines). I don’t live my entire life by it, I’m not dogmatic in anything, really. But once a client moves past the mental/emotional blockages, patterns and pain that caused endless suffering in their lives and kept them in perpetual defensive mode, helping them see what’s inherent and true for them can bring clarity to where their gifts, talents and passions lie, and propel them forward. Astrology can be so helpful here.
For example, I’m born on February 18th. Right on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces. I grew up thinking I was an Aquarian, based on conventional horoscopes, but discovered at 18 years old, that, in fact, I’m a Pisces. The year I was born, the sun moved into Pisces on my birthday, literally a few hours before I was born. I’m considered Pisces with Aquarius tendencies, and this couldn’t be truer. My moon is also in Pisces and my rising sign is Virgo. Combine all these together and you get exactly the person I described at the beginning of this blog. :)
Its taken tremendous healing, moving past a lot of fear (both accumulated in this life but also generational), and courage to make changes to my life that were out of alignment with my authentic truth (and my double Pisces nature), but once I started living entirely from this place of truth, I found a power and drive within me that I had only known two other times in my life - when I gave birth to my babies. A complete body-mind-spirit balance, free from psychological suffering. And I felt powerful yet peaceful all at once. I want ALL of my clients to know this profound inner balance, this great power, and use it for fulfillment of their purpose in this world, what ever that might be.
And so, I forge on, paving my own path of success. Even if its the road less traveled (or never!) traveled (thanks, Aquarius tendencies). Its what’s true for me, and while I have the gift & ability to see 5 steps ahead, and what I’m offering perhaps doesn’t look like what’s in fashion now, I intuitively know it’s what is needed to create a more peaceful world, and what will help usher in what Eckhart Tolle calls, the “New Earth".
In need of an Inspirational Healer? Let’s chat! Comment below, email or call me today! :)
Many mahalos to my amazing client, M., for gifting me this plant. It has sat proudly on my dining table since she came to see me at my home office, and reminds me everyday that I'm, indeed, fulfilling my purpose in this life. :)
Its been a few weeks since my last blog post, because, well….life.
I’ve suffered with daily anxiety since childhood (but didn’t realize it until I was in therapy in my 30’s). I finally found relief of it when I began a regular meditation practice with TM (Transcendental Meditation) in 2018. I stopped having weekly anxiety attacks and the occasional panic attacks also completely ceased. However, waves of anxiety still show up for me from time to time when something in life triggers it, and a big one has shown up for me recently, demanding a good amount of my attention.
So, as I counsel my clients to do when this pain energy arises, I surrendered to the Is-ness of it, and began witnessing it.
Not suppressing it.
Not denying it.
Not allowing it to overtake me.
Not willing it away.
No, allowing it. Witnessing it. Showing the part of myself that has been holding on to it tremendous attention and compassion. It has slowed my creativity and focus on my external endeavors to a degree, but I know this internal part of me needs expression, so I have intentionally given it my attention. I am deeply aware that it is an old blockage showing up, obstructing my flow and keeping me from my true, authentic self and therefore, clouding my clarity, vision and drive toward outward manifestation of my purpose.
The only path to freedom from it, is through it.
See, I know there is an inner child inside of me, who felt a lot of pain growing up, and like all of us, didn’t have fully conscious parents to turn to, to help me process that pain. Our parents do the best they can at the level of consciousness they are at when they’re raising us - myself as a parent included! - but, like all perfectly imperfect humans, they simply couldn’t provide for me what I needed as a Highly Sensitive Person/Child and deeply empathic soul.
So, like all children, I did the best I could to cope. I created the necessary parts to my psyche to make sense of my world and protect myself from what felt dangerous or overwhelming, and then I stored that pain inside my body and my nervous system. This accumulated pain is what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain-body energy field. We all have a piece of collective human pain, as well as acquired pain over our lifetimes. (We also have generational pain/trauma that I’ll explore in another post). Some of us lived through traumatic events and/or chaotic homes as children and never got proper counseling for it, which then left us in what seems like perpetual fight/flight mode. We enter adulthood with an over-taxed nervous system and all manner of psychological wounds and coping/defense mechanisms (also called ego parts) that try to keep us functioning in this world.
I had all of that, on top of being highly sensitive and an energetic sponge. But I didn’t know how to turn it off, so I just kept on absorbing. Little did I know at the time, that my purpose in this life is for helping others with deep, transformational healing, and, that coupled with my acute intuitive gifts (hello, double Pisces!) was why I was so sensitive and empathic. I just knew I felt everything deeply, including mine and everyone else’s pain. And thus, I’ve spent my life with with anxiety; always afraid of the future, always fearing the worst.
Fortunately, through meditation and choosing to walk a path of unapologetic authenticity and truth - what I call my awakening journey - I learned how not to be a sponge, but a portal or a channel. To be the space the allows healing to happen.
But I still have buried pain that gets triggered at times, and so, I hold sacred space for myself, and for however long it takes. Being present with my pain means not getting caught up in the amount of time it takes to free myself from it. The little girl inside needs as much time as she needs for me to do for her, what no-one could when I was growing up. The difference between then and now, is I know on the other side all this “feel it to heal it” practice, is a more aware, more present, more joyful, more peaceful, and more authentic True me, who is passionately manifesting her purpose of being portal for healing, and sacred space holder, whether it’s at a birth, in a classroom, or in a private session with a client.
Eckhart Tolle says "suffering cracks open the shell of the ego, so that the light of consciousness can shine through", and so, I suffer consciously. I allow the pain to arise, I allow myself to feel what I couldn't' safely feel all those years ago, and then I release the pain, making room for my True Self to shine.
I leave you with this link to a video that went viral a while back. I share it with all my clients when I’m guiding them toward healing and teaching them how to hold space for their inner child. May we all be so present, so patient, so compassionate with our children and their big feelings, as well as our own inner child.
How are you showing up for yourself and your inner child?
Message me today if you’d like to chat about how I can help you begin your journey to healing and stepping into your empowered, True Self.
Sending you much love and compassion, today and always...
Fear is the blockage that unresolved childhood pain becomes when it’s not compassionately held and guided toward release by a conscious, trusted adult. It literally becomes a mental trap, a prison, that blocks each and every one of us from living authentically and joyfully, and from seeing our purpose in life with absolutely clarity, and unapologetically pursuing it. Fear is riddled with old pain that is too scary to feel to the child within, and without liberation from it, stifles our growth. We feed an endless loop of suffering because we constantly run from this pain, by at best, stuffing it back down and ignoring it after each time its activated, or numbing it with various forms of addictive behaviors (food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, etc).
Growing up at a time when it was culturally normal to remain hush hush and sweep any and all family drama under the rug - to be ignored as if it didn’t happen, and made to believe that speaking about it was so shameful and damaging, and dangerous or threatening to my very survival - I left childhood with a tremendous amount of trauma, and thus, anxiety. My nervous system was so hardwired for survival, that fight/flight mode was my standard perception, the lens through which all decisions were filtered and ultimately made. I became an anxious human so early on, that I didn’t even know what living without it was like until I started meditating at age 41. Admittedly, I tried what most people do to escape their psychological pain - mainly the socially acceptable avenues of alcohol and drugs - but fortunately for me, substance abuse and addiction never afflicted me. Feeling utterly out of control of my thoughts and body felt even more dangerous to me than the buried pain, so instead, my addiction became overthinking. Eckhart Tolle says all humans suffer from the addiction of thinking, and I believe he’s right. Some want to escape that too, however, so enter in all the other addictive behaviors.
What didn’t elude me was the blockage that my (over)thinking addiction, my endless loop of suffering, would create for me. The fear of success that has haunted me my whole life is just now coming into clearer focus. Climbing out of this trap has been quite a journey, and one that required me to first courageously regain my independence as a woman, by ending a relationship that I forged and co-created from a state of mind that would only repeatedly feed into my childhood pain and fears. Being an almost entirely ego & inner child-based dynamic, it perpetuated my childhood wiring for fight/flight, survival mode, and thus kept me stuck and never feeling safe to live authentically, grow and fulfill my purpose. It kept me overthinking and anxious, and quite literally kept my fear of success alive.
It’s been nearly two years that I’ve lived on my own again, but a necessary two year healing period to grow and evolve to where I’m at now. I began dipping my toes in my personal growth journey way back in 2015 (after a series of events that I’ll discuss in future blogs) but the the acceleration of my conscious awakening journey truly began in 2018 when I started a twice daily meditation practice, and healing my nervous system from a lifetime of anxiety. This allowed me have faith and trust in the unknown (a tremendously difficult thing for anyone living with anxiety), overcome co-dependency and a fear of survival if I left my marriage, and evolve a relationship that was just plain unhealthy for everyone involved. I’ve taken these last two years to sink as deep into my healing as I could go, while pursuing the hypnotherapy/coaching career I had started back in 2018. Yet, there was this pervasive fear of success that continued to plague me. Healing from the 15 year ego-based relationship I was in was necessary, but how did this tie in to my fear of success? And then the AHA! moment came: Speaking my truth publicly feels scary to me because of what I was conditioned for as a child.
Sweep all family drama, all trauma, all shame & pain right under that rug.
Don’t speak of it.
Don’t tell a soul.
Because if I do, it threatens my survival.
As children, we must preserve our attachment relationship to our parents at all costs, as we are dependent on them for our survival. We do so, even at the cost of our own authentic voice and expression. This looks different to each person and each family, but it happens to every person, in every family.
My authentic expression is to speak to truth to power. To use my strong voice and intuitive gifts for the betterment of humanity and bring peace to this world. This was threatening to my family structure (where there was a lot of drama, abuse & violence), and therefore, my survival, so I learned to mute myself. And this mental pattern, along with the intense pain I felt as a result of the trauma I experienced, kept me blocked from fulfilling my purpose; and thus, riddled me with anxiety and turned succeeding in life into a fear.
I was working with a couple-client recently, and the husband, who, through the process of conscious coaching, has realized many of the same things about his childhood that I realized about mine; that it left him with an inability to know his purpose, let alone fulfill it and succeed. He realized that he lived with mild depression his whole life and an impotence in follow-through on dreams and aspirations because they were culturally and familially shot down from an early age. He became his own dream-killer because that felt safer than faithfully pursuing that which he was being called toward. Like me, he lived through traumatic experiences, and grew up in the same era and geographic area as I did, where none of it was properly dealt with, either in the family or through counseling. Under the rug it was swept. Through our work, he’s been able to safely go inward, look at and deconstruct his ego defenses, begin to see and heal his buried pain, and become inspired again to pursue a career he feels passionate about, bucking fear and cultural norms/expectations. He has a journey in front of him, being mid-life like me and starting over, of continuing to face a lifetime of pain and fear, and looking those ego-parts in their little faces, send compassion and gratitude to them every time they naysay and try to block him from being his most authentic self and pursuing his passions, and remember that they were creations of his mind at a time in his childhood when he was isolated and alone with his pain and quite literally needed them to survive. He will, like me, continue every day to journey toward liberation from the trap of suffering and hold space for the child within, reparent himself, and unapologetically, unabashedly, authentically live his life, pursue his purpose and, yes, be and know true success.
Tell me about facing your fears and taming your dragons. Comment below or PM me anytime! :)
Much love xoxo,
Everything in the world is impermanent. Change is inevitable. The deeper I surrender into this fact of life, and accept this inevitability, the more my life actually flows, and the more peaceful I feel. The more abundance actually comes to me. For someone who came from a highly dysfunctional childhood, and with a nervous system so hardwired for dealing with daily high stress (that I actually lived my whole life with permanent anxiety and didn’t even realize it until my 40’s) this type of surrender to the unknown feels not just scary and dangerous, but like death.
I know I’m not alone in this fear.
I’m moving for the third time in less than two years and while I didn’t chose this current move, or the last one for that matter, it’s what is happening, and I must face what is out of my control. I could have complained, felt sorry for myself, and taken on a victim role, even blame others for my misfortune. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t life be easier? Heck, it’s even tempting to blame and shame myself; why didn’t I just stay in my (toxic) marriage; I had all the worldly comforts one could wish for, financial security, owned a house, vacations in Hawaii, etc.
When I got the email that my landlord was planning to sell the rental house I’m in, after only 7 months of living in it, I had a wave of panic and pain flood over me. It was an intense energy that surrounded me for several hours, and many negative thoughts surfaced; you’re a bad mom, how could you do this to your children, you’re unstable and irresponsible. All thoughts I harbored from my own childhood that were never expressed, faced, compassionately held. And which I stored in my nervous system year after year, resulting in unending anxiety, fear & doubt about my safety and my worth as a human.
This old programming, this pain-body energy wanted to overtake me after reading this email, and make me unconscious and set me back to flight/flight mode, but I didn’t let it. I suffered consciously. I allowed it to be there, and watched it, became the compassionate witness to my unresolved childhood pain and then set myself free; free of these thoughts, emotions and blockages that repetitively, year after year, created a barrier to my truth, and my ability to manifest the life I desire and deserve.
And when I did this very important work of consciously (re)parenting myself, a deep calm and peace came over me. A belief in the benevolence of the universe, a deep faith and trust in the unknown. This situation didn’t happen to me, it happened for me. For my growth and evolution. Had it not happened, this old childhood pain, this baggage I’ve been unconsciously carrying around with me my whole life, would have remained a blockage to my creativity, my truth, and my ability to fulfill my purpose in this life. That old fear, that lived in my nervous system and manifested itself as anxiety, kept me in fight/flight mode, and permeated many areas of my life, including my belief in myself and ability to succeed in life. I have always had a fear of success, a fear that if I do what I’m called to do, I won’t survive.
I know I’m not alone in this fear either.
So, when I sat, rather uncomfortably with this old pain, held space for that terrified little girl inside of me, and finally liberated myself from it, and that deep peace and tranquillity came from within me, I knew, with out intellectually knowing, that it was all going to be ok. That this change was a positive step forward for my kids and I. I would not only survive, but thrive.
And so, I spent the next several weeks trusting that my next home would present itself when the time was right. I was by no means passive about searching, but I wasn’t worrying about it either. My daughter, on the other hand, grew more anxious by the week, and made no bones about telling me that I needed to get on it. She, most unfortunately, inherited my anxiety. But, unlike the little girl inside of me experienced as a child, I hold space for her negative thoughts and emotions, and provide a safe space for her to freely express herself. She is my greatest teacher, that’s for sure. Every time she mentioned that I haven’t secured us a new house, I would remind her, I haven’t yet. “It’ll all work itself out”, I'd say to her, “trust me.” And she would reply, "But how do you know it will?” And, I would say back, “I don’t know, but I have faith it will, because I’m in alignment with the universe.” I’m not worrying, stressed, anxious. I’m present, and the present moment is all we ever have. Past and future are the false reality. Teaching her how to hold her anxiety up, look at it, and choose whether to let it consume her or not, is a gift that I give her every day, but also one I give my inner child who was perpetually afraid, perpetually anxious, growing up. This is conscious parenting. I don’t save her from her emotions, but I don’t leave her alone with them either. I am teaching her to be the master of her life, and to trust in the unknown, to trust in the universe.
Traveling on a plane last month, I had the opportunity to watch one of my favorite movies, Shakespeare In Love. One of the lines repeated throughout the movie resonated deeply with me, and my current life situation, both materially and in parenting:
“How do you know?” “I don’t know. It’s a mystery.”
Indeed, life is a mystery not to be figured out, but to be surrendered to. To accept what is, and allow it all to unfold as it will. Consciously, from a deep truth within, that is in perfect alignment with the totality and abundance of the universe.
Much love xoxo,
The Authentic True You? Do you know who that is? Do you embody this essence within? Most of us only see this part of ourselves in fragments, buried underneath the mental/emotional conditioning of our upbringing, but also of generational programming passed down to us. Healing the emotional wounds of childhood as well as the generational trauma, is the first step to full Self-discovery, Self-realization, and ultimately, Self-actualization.
August is always an introspective time for me. Particularly the latter half, which contains my half birthday, and the beginning of Virgo season. Virgo, represented by the virgin or maiden, is the sign of service (I’ll save that explanation for another post), and I always feel an extra kick of purpose and drive this time of year. Who am I? Why am I here? What are my gifts and how can I best utilize them in this world? How can I be of service?
Virgo is my rising sign, the part of me which I project into the world at large, but also the energy through which my sun and moon energy flow through, both of which are in the sign of Pisces (the direct opposite of Virgo). Learning to be unapologetically, authentically me has been my journey of these last several years, and embracing, embodying and alchemizing all of these, often contradictory energies has brought a peace and joy I struggle to describe. Coming from a trauma-filled childhood, and a long line of women who, simply put, never self-actualized, I had a lot of healing to do to reach this point of celebration of my unique expression in form. I am no longer conflicted by the grounded, service-oriented energy of Virgo with my deeply spiritual, intuitive, empathic Pisces energies. I used to use the qualities of Virgo to protect and hide my often misunderstood and dismissed intuitive Piscean gifts, but through my healing and conscious awakening journey, I’ve integrated them to become a more balanced, confident, Self-actualized human being. In fact, I see so clearly now who I’m suppose to be in this world and what I’m here to do, I show up every day exactly as I am, unapologetically, and help others do the same. I use a combo of spiritual teachings and healing techniques, drawing from masters and mentors; Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Dr. Gabor Mate’, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, etc. as well as my own life-long interest in astrology, which I use as a pointer to best understand your unique expression in this world, based on how the cosmos were aligned when you were born into this world.
This quote has always rung so very wise and true for me:
"The purpose of life is to discover your gift; the work of life is to develop it; the meaning of life is giving it away." - David Viscott
Along with being a double Pisces with a Virgo rising, I happen to also be born just a few hours after the sun moved into Pisces, which puts me on the cusp of Aquarius. While many astrology texts don’t provide a lot of info on cusp-born individuals like me, those that do, illustrate how I’ve always felt - Pisces with Aquarius tendencies. Some texts describe my cusp combo as the Cusp of Sensitivity, with a penchant for the deeply personal (creative, intuitive Pisces) and the Universal (forward-thinking, humanitarian Aquarius). This resonates deeply for me. I travel inward to the depths of my soul for creative self-discovery & to truly know myself, then outward with that wisdom and knowledge to serve humanity.
And I’m that:
And for the first time in my 45 1/2 years, I see very clearly how beautiful and purposeful my presence here on Earth at this time truly is.
I’m a teacher of presence.
I’m an intuitive-spiritual therapist.
I’m a ‘Courageous Spiritual Teacher of Connection’
And I’m wasting no time courageously putting my purpose into action now.
I’m of service, Universe, use me.
Much love & gratitude,
“Let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be”. - The Beatles
I am reminded of my personal growth journey of the last 6 years in these words, every time I hear this song. A song that takes me back to my childhood; the very origin of of the pain and suffering I would endure as an adult, that I only recently began to truly understand. You see, daily anxiety and frequent panic attacks will take a person to the brink of their madness, and by madness I mean very “normal” human madness. Motherhood will do that to you.
But motherhood done consciously, when the rest of your world - and the entire world at that - is largely unconscious, will bring you to an acute awareness more quickly. And that’s what happened to me.
I lost my voice somewhere at a time in childhood I couldn’t begin to pinpoint. I don’t remember a time when my authentic nature was honored. There was no sudden shift, I was born into a world not meant for me. I had a conscious awareness that I could’t make sense of, and a family life that valued an obedient, “good” child more than a curious, and free-spirited one with an “otherness” to her that they simply couldn’t understand, let alone honor. So, I kept my perceptions to myself. I conformed to a life that wasn’t meant for a child like me, and lost my authentic voice and natural expression along the way; out of necessity to stay out of trouble, mostly, but also because of a desire to belong, to fit in and be loved. This fracture from my authentic, true self would follow me the rest of my life.
Dr. Gabor Mate’ says: “People have two basic needs: authenticity and attachment. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity”. Gabor, as he prefers to be called, is spot on. Rarely are parents conscious enough when having & raising children to avoid doing this to their kids. So, out of a need for survival, a very real “fear of annihilation”, as wisdom teacher Eckhart Tolle has called it, we become what our parents expect of us. Our minds are conditioned, and the fractured sense of self begins; only to grow more and more dense as the years go by. We lose our connection to our authentic Selves, our true, abundant nature, and we live in a seemingly perpetual state of fear and lack. Most of us chase a feeling of desire for wholeness the rest of our lives. We chase attachment to fill the void left behind in childhood.
Some find the “you complete me” scenario with a romantic partner, some through one addiction or another; some with both. But none last for long. Satisfaction and fulfillment cannot be found on the outside of ourselves, you see, and soon after the “compete” feelings end, the suffering in relationship begins. Soon after the “complete” feelings from alcohol, drugs, food shopping, video games, etc end, the internal suffering and feelings of lack begin. What we are all chasing at the end of the day is a bridge back to the authentic, abundant Self that was fractured in childhood.
A validation that we are enough.
That we are worthy.
That we are lovable just as we are.
We are seeking a connection back to the unconditional love we all are within, but are told is outside of ourselves because that was the reality of our childhoods.
And, boy, did I do my share of seeking fulfillment outside of myself. I never lost my perceptions, or my drive for the meaning of life, but I did succumb to the conditioned thinking pattern that I could find happiness outside of myself, in relationships as well as indulgences.
All of them temporary.
None of them ever truly satisfying.
Then motherhood came.
And with it a determination to give my kids everything I didn’t have: Secure attachment; Emotional validation, and valuation of EQ as much as - if not more than - IQ. I would be a human they could feel safe with to be exactly who they were. I would honor their unique spirits and give them a space to realize their deepest dreams and fulfill their life purpose.
I would be a conscious parent.
Little did I know how the circle of fire that was my life would close in around me by making this choice, a choice that once made, there is not backing out from. When one awakens, one cannot go back to sleep. And conscious parenting awakens you like no other.
Awakening to your own truth, so you can keep your children connected to their own, is undoubtedly best for everyone. But, if you’ve built a life around you based on the illusions of the false self - the ego & inner child - this can cause conflict in a way that brings everyone closer to their truth, or force the unstable to crumble and then have to rebuild from scratch.
Our destiny was the latter.
Always the truth-seeker, I was, and still am, determined to learn from everything happening, to make the proverbial lemonade out of lemons. I fear not destruction and change, like the Phoenix fears not the fire. As Maya Angelou says, “And still I rise”. This, has always been my way. No matter the pain, the suffering, the trauma, I carry on, because, the cup, to me, is always half full. I feel, I heal, and I become more wise. And the wiser I become, the more connected to my authentic Self I become, and the more aware of of my true life’s purpose I become. I took responsibility for the co-creation of the life I built, the relationships I engaged in, and I evolved when they weren’t working anymore, or when the suffering became so acute that they crumbled under the pressure.
I did that.
The madness, the conditioning of my mind, did that.
And now I’m free.
So, after many years of trying to “fix” my marriage & family of choice, like I had as a child with my parents & family of origin, I made the very hard, but necessary choice to evolve, and consciously uncouple. Or, if you will, compassionately divorce. (The word divorce has so many negative connotations, I really wish there was another term for it.)
This choice, however well-intentioned, took me - and my body - to its breaking point. Right after filing, and the reality of what had only been discussed (albeit many, many times over several years) was in front of us, I began developing symptoms of what I would soon find out was the autoimmune condition, Graves Disease & Thyroid Eye Disease.
My mind has been through so much my whole life - familial and cultural conditioning, inauthentic living, abuses, traumas, repeated patterns over and over again - and my body now was showing me. Despite awakening to a truth that I am a deeply spiritual being, despite years of meditation and clearing my nervous system, despite flowing deeper into a life of spiritual wisdom teachings, despite trusting in the universe to guide me to my deepest callings to serve as a psycho-spiritual teacher & healer, my body still began attacking itself. Some may say it is because of all of this, that my body did what it did. Building and living a life without an authentic voice, a life based on the lies and fears of the false self, eventually crumbles. Which may explain why the average diagnosis of GD happens to women in their 40’s, (which is me). My soul’s call for authenticity became so loud, so irresistible, that finally, and for once in my life, authenticity trumped attachment. I was free, but not without consequence to what my mind and body had to be put through prior to that.
I’ll write a separate, more in-depth blog about the body/mind relationship of autoimmune diseases, and underlying commonality of childhood stoicism & hyper-independence many autoimmune disease patients have, but Dr. Gabor Mate’ notes in his book ‘When The Body Says No’, “The young human being unconsciously banishes from awareness feelings or information, that, if consciously experienced, would create unsolvable problems….. In autoimmune disease, the body’s defenses turn against the self. In the life of a society - the body politic - such behavior would be denounced as treason. Within the individual organism, physical mutiny results from an immunologic confusion of self and non-self. In this disarray of boundaries, the immune cells attack the body as if the latter were a foreign substance, just as the psychic self is attacked by inward-directed reproaches and anger.”
Being the “fixer” my whole life, taking on the stress and pain of others & holding it in, never being taught healthy boundaries or how to let go of other people’s pain that I absorbed (empathic children are here to be healers, but without being taught energetic boundaries, they never learn to let it go), never given the space to healthily express my own full range of emotions, including anger, took its toll. I formed intimate relationships from my false self (the fractured, fearful ego & inner child) and as I consciously parented my children, and held space for my them in the ways not properly done for me, the rest of my world crumbled, and so my body gave way to these forces. I learned a lot about my children being my spiritual partners and how to reparent myself from the very wise Dr. Shefali, and I truly trusted the process, but little did I see coming, my body reacting the way it did.
As I dig deeper and deeper for the truth, I see why this has happened. The deeper into my healing I go, the more I uncover. Like layers of an onion, there’s always more to reveal. I realized how much shame and embarrassment I harbored. The fixer is generally good at keeping the family secrets, you see. They feel a duty to protect everyone in their family, including their parents. And without someone to talk to about their feelings, it all gets buried, and the false self solidifies.
I had moments of reprieve as a small child, yes, like when I got to see my dad every other weekend. He’d pick my brother’s and I up on Friday evenings, and on the 30 minute drive to his home, I’d lay my head down in his lap (it was a bench seat in his truck and it was the early 80’s, and no seatbelt laws), breathe a sigh of relief, and fall asleep as he would sing The Beatles to me. But, alas, it was only a brief reprieve from the madness, and the toxic patterns and conditioning would form nonetheless, and endure and inform my whole life. I’m working every day to heal those parts of me that show up, and block me from my true, authentic Self. Healing is a journey.
Through this healing process, I’ve seen more clearly, the calling of my soul; my purpose of being on Earth at this time. I’m here to serve. Not to fix - fixing was a formation of my ego - but to serve. And while childbirth, in my opinion, is a deeply spiritual experience (especially when left undisturbed), my role as a birth professional is not the only way I am here to serve humanity.
I have studied and certified as a psycho-spiritual healer in Transpersonal Hypnotherapy, with Dr. Shefali as a Conscious Coach, with Eckhart Tolle as a practitioner of presence, and currently with Dr. Gabor Mate’ as a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner. Trauma work is where I’ll be focusing my attention going forward, as I have listened to the whispers within, and intuitively know I am here to help people identify their traumas and shine a light and show them the way back to their truth; exactly what I’ve done for the past 10 years as a doula. I will continue this important Truth-work in anyway that I can.
LET IT BE
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shinin' until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Authenticity. What does it actually mean to be an authentic human? For me, it means coming back to wholeness. Living out loud, courageously, unapologetically. Living and speaking your truth, unafraid of what others will think or say, or whether they understand or “get” you. When you do this, you energetically vibrate on a level that naturally attracts to you what is good for you, what will help you continue your journey of growth and evolution. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel the duality of this world; pleasure/pain, health/sickness, loss/gain, etc. But it absolutely does mean that you will always deal with the world from a place of acceptance, joy or enthusiasm. You will always surrender to “what is”, without question, without resistance, without hesitation. You are still, you are aware, you are present, you are awakened, you are conscious. You are flowing with life.
Unfortunately, many of us walk through life feeling internally fractured, or “broken”. We feel empty, lack clarity, feel hopeless. Or simply, something just doesn’t feel right, something about the current course we’re on feels “off”. We lost touch with our intuition, our internal compass, somewhere along the journey and we’re not sure when or why or how. We harbor a deep pain energy within us, that often lays dormant, and sometimes emerges and overtakes us. It consumes our bodies, our minds, or both. We know there are parts of us that feel missing, or suppressed, but we aren’t sure how to heal or even why we should. I mean, after all, “its a dog eat dog world”, right? We need our ego armor to protect us, right?
What ultimately happens to many of us, is the emotional pain and the ego armor creates enough suffering that we say “enough is enough!” And we explore other ways of being, of living, of feeling like our lives matter. And this is where the deep healing begins. The coming back to wholeness. The return to our intuition, our connection to our higher selves, that “knows” there is more to this journey of life than what the “normal” collective consciousness has made us believe that it is. This is the emergence of our authentic selves. A return to wholeness.
My personal journey to authenticity has been an exploration of the parts of myself that I suppressed from childhood. The parts I kept hidden because I felt like I had to, in order to survive and be seen and heard, and loved, in the family I was born into. I was born with gifts. I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person), an empath and a visionary. I perceived the world in a very different way than everyone around me and anytime I spoke about it, I was met with stares of confusion, and then was either dismissed or, sadly, made fun of. And ask any HSP how they felt as a kid about being made fun of, and I guarantee you all of them will say it felt like death. So, as many children do, I learned how to perform roles to get my needs met, and to be acknowledged and validated by my parents, siblings and caretakers. This meant tucking away the parts that weren’t accepted, and only outwardly show what would garner attention and approval.
And as life goes on, we either we forget about these “parts” altogether, or we keep them very secret, emerging only in safest of times with the safest of people. As a result, we walk through life feeling like something is missing, something is broken, something just. isn’t. right. And as we carry on day after day, year after year, we energetically and unconsciously vibrate on a level that is inauthentic to us and in many ways, stunts our growth. We attract people and situations over and over again that do not serve our highest good. Many of us still find ways to enjoy life at times; we travel, we have careers, we engage in friendships and romantic relationships, we marry and have children. But we just never feel whole. We never feel like we’re where we are meant to be. Sadly, many people turn to destructive behaviors, including substance and behavior addictions, to satisfy that feeling of emptiness, but it is only ever temporary. True healing starts from within. True healing begins with an acknowledgment that we are not at all responsible for what happened to us as children, but we are 100% responsible for our own healing. Our parents did the best the could based on the level of consciousness they were on at the time. Forgiveness is one of the first steps to moving beyond the limitations imposed upon us as children, and the fractures and suppression of the parts of ourselves that weren’t accepted or loved.
Being “different” as a child, I saw things that were happening around me (and to me) and I felt a deep compulsion to help, to heal, to change it for the better. But I was a child and was impotent to doing what inherent in me, what I knew I came here to do. Fortunately, I never lost touch with my gifts. I always knew they were there, but I kept them well hidden. And all the while, continued to perform roles that my family, husband and society expected of me. These patterns of playing roles in order to be seen, heard and loved, lasted well into adulthood, as they do for many. But as my motherhood journey unfolded, and the calling to serve and empower women grew louder, I began to connect more deeply to who I truly was, and I was finally living my truth; and what was once “broken” began to heal.
Healing and living authentically for me means following the path of truth, and using my gifts of being a visionary, empath and intuitive to serve and restore harmony, balance and healing to humanity and the Earth. I have always knowns I hold the gift of energy healing and of expanding the minds of others, of expanding consciousness. These are the gifts of the Medicine Women of the past. The Modern Day Medicine Woman holds these and many more, and she is what I lovingly call The Conscious Feminist.
What does living authentically mean to you? What gifts have you forgotten about or are holding back that you’d like to manifest into the world? Respond below or message me. I’d love to hear from you and chat.
Rollin’ into 2020 like…..
The first day of a new year & new decade. And… My first blog! Welcome! If you haven’t yet read my bio, I am a birth professional, hypnotherapist, a mother of two, and totally passionate about conscious parenting and living. I have been writing informally for most of my life and I’m very excited to finally begin putting my words out there for all to read. One of my most vivid memories of childhood is my 8th grade AP English teacher suggesting I consider a career in journalism, because, as she put it, “you have a flair for writing…”. So, as my intentions for this new season of my life unfold, my first manifestation is all about speaking and spreading my truth, and living authentically. Here goes…. :)
I’ve been on a long journey of awakening to my own truth. Finding courage to speak a truth your family, let alone the world, is not yet ready to hear, is really difficult. Especially if you are a HSP (highly sensitive person) like me. I always perceived the world differently than everyone around me, and could never understand why I either couldn’t be like everyone else, or why everyone else couldn’t understand me. I desired nothing more as a child than for my existence to be validated, for someone to truly listen, for someone who “got me”. As I’ve learned over my (nearly) 43 years, the power to live a full and happy life, actually lies within. Not through other people’s approval or understanding of you, but through your own self-worth, self-love, and ability to transcend the limitations placed upon you by family and society. I have always been a feminist, I am (and always have been) a “girl’s girl”, and I’ve viewed, for as long as I can remember, my purpose for being here as an agent for change in this world. I saw what limitations and expectations were placed upon me, simply because I was born female, at a very young age, and as you will learn over the course of my blog series, there are oh so many ways I’ve succumbed to, and ultimately triumphed over, the world and forces that didn’t want to see me strong, vocal, sentient, and especially not powerful. Though my mom often joked throughout my life, “I’ll never have to worry about Carrie”, because I was willing to call out injustice in my family, and when I saw it in the world, and as she put it “she’ll always make sure she gets her fair share of the pie”, the truth is, it wasn’t that linear for me. I had no mentors or role models growing up for how to be a fish swimming upstream, to stand strong and tall in a world that wanted me to lie down. I had only my own inner compass, a tenacity to follow my intuition, but also a lot of conditioning on how to play roles in order to navigate the world. In other words, I followed the dictates of my heart, but rarely revealed who I truly was along the way. I didn’t live authentically. I learned as a child how to be a certain way in order to be seen and heard. And having a mom with a big and vivacious personality, I learned how to be outgoing and charming, get noticed in ways that were not authentic to me; it was never who I truly was. I learned how to cautiously speak my truth, but never fully, and always conditional on my audience and circumstance. And I got by. And I’ve lived a lot of life. I’ve loved, traveled, lived abroad, married, had children. But it wasn’t until I had to really start facing my shadow self when I became a mother, that I finally started to chose me over what my husband, family and the world expected of me. I faced and nurtured my wounded inner child, I confronted my mother & father wounds, because I was determined to parent my kids in the way I needed as a child - gently, peacefully, consciously. And as I healed, my voice got louder, bolder, stronger. I confidently spoke about my truth without worry of offending or hurting someone’s feelings, and without, most importantly for me, worry of being rejected. I was becoming whole again, and living out loud, totally authentically.
And consequently, the more I healed, the more confident I grew as a birth professional. The more I healed, the more clearly I saw my life’s purpose as a feminist, as an “agent for change in this world”. A doula “mothers the mother” during childbirth. She lovingly guides the birthing woman to a place of inner knowing, an intuition at the very core of her being, that both knows how to birth her baby into the world, but also birth the mother that lies within. My life’s purpose is to help, heal and empower women. Through the journeys of birthing and parenting consciously, we shift the collective consciousness, and heal our world. A woman who gives birth intuitively, fully empowered, is a woman who can change the world.
So, as I look back on my own life journey, my awakening to my truth and the truth of the universe, I find a lot of wisdom that I am so ready to share with the world. Living consciously means living in the present, taking each moment as it is, free of ego and suffering, divinely guided, and showing up for myself, my children and the world unapologetically, totally authentically and with a heart full of love. No longer am I a fish swimming upstream fighting her way through a scary world that wants to silence her. I am a Conscious Feminist blazing a trail of love through a dark world that needs her light, and igniting the sleeping flames of the hearts of others along her way…..
Happy New Year, everyone!
“We’re all just walking each other home.”
~ Ram Dass