Its been a few weeks since my last blog post, because, well….life.
I’ve suffered with daily anxiety since childhood (but didn’t realize it until I was in therapy in my 30’s). I finally found relief of it when I began a regular meditation practice with TM (Transcendental Meditation) in 2018. I stopped having weekly anxiety attacks and the occasional panic attacks also completely ceased. However, waves of anxiety still show up for me from time to time when something in life triggers it, and a big one has shown up for me recently, demanding a good amount of my attention.
So, as I counsel my clients to do when this pain energy arises, I surrendered to the Is-ness of it, and began witnessing it.
Not suppressing it.
Not denying it.
Not allowing it to overtake me.
Not willing it away.
No, allowing it. Witnessing it. Showing the part of myself that has been holding on to it tremendous attention and compassion. It has slowed my creativity and focus on my external endeavors to a degree, but I know this internal part of me needs expression, so I have intentionally given it my attention. I am deeply aware that it is an old blockage showing up, obstructing my flow and keeping me from my true, authentic self and therefore, clouding my clarity, vision and drive toward outward manifestation of my purpose.
The only path to freedom from it, is through it.
See, I know there is an inner child inside of me, who felt a lot of pain growing up, and like all of us, didn’t have fully conscious parents to turn to, to help me process that pain. Our parents do the best they can at the level of consciousness they are at when they’re raising us - myself as a parent included! - but, like all perfectly imperfect humans, they simply couldn’t provide for me what I needed as a Highly Sensitive Person/Child and deeply empathic soul.
So, like all children, I did the best I could to cope. I created the necessary parts to my psyche to make sense of my world and protect myself from what felt dangerous or overwhelming, and then I stored that pain inside my body and my nervous system. This accumulated pain is what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain-body energy field. We all have a piece of collective human pain, as well as acquired pain over our lifetimes. (We also have generational pain/trauma that I’ll explore in another post). Some of us lived through traumatic events and/or chaotic homes as children and never got proper counseling for it, which then left us in what seems like perpetual fight/flight mode. We enter adulthood with an over-taxed nervous system and all manner of psychological wounds and coping/defense mechanisms (also called ego parts) that try to keep us functioning in this world.
I had all of that, on top of being highly sensitive and an energetic sponge. But I didn’t know how to turn it off, so I just kept on absorbing. Little did I know at the time, that my purpose in this life is for helping others with deep, transformational healing, and, that coupled with my acute intuitive gifts (hello, double Pisces!) was why I was so sensitive and empathic. I just knew I felt everything deeply, including mine and everyone else’s pain. And thus, I’ve spent my life with with anxiety; always afraid of the future, always fearing the worst.
Fortunately, through meditation and choosing to walk a path of unapologetic authenticity and truth - what I call my awakening journey - I learned how not to be a sponge, but a portal or a channel. To be the space the allows healing to happen.
But I still have buried pain that gets triggered at times, and so, I hold sacred space for myself, and for however long it takes. Being present with my pain means not getting caught up in the amount of time it takes to free myself from it. The little girl inside needs as much time as she needs for me to do for her, what no-one could when I was growing up. The difference between then and now, is I know on the other side all this “feel it to heal it” practice, is a more aware, more present, more joyful, more peaceful, and more authentic True me, who is passionately manifesting her purpose of being portal for healing, and sacred space holder, whether it’s at a birth, in a classroom, or in a private session with a client.
Eckhart Tolle says "suffering cracks open the shell of the ego, so that the light of consciousness can shine through", and so, I suffer consciously. I allow the pain to arise, I allow myself to feel what I couldn't' safely feel all those years ago, and then I release the pain, making room for my True Self to shine.
I leave you with this link to a video that went viral a while back. I share it with all my clients when I’m guiding them toward healing and teaching them how to hold space for their inner child. May we all be so present, so patient, so compassionate with our children and their big feelings, as well as our own inner child.
How are you showing up for yourself and your inner child?
Message me today if you’d like to chat about how I can help you begin your journey to healing and stepping into your empowered, True Self.
Sending you much love and compassion, today and always...
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