Whisper Words Of Wisdom

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“Let it be, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be”.  - The Beatles
I am reminded of my personal growth journey of the last 6 years in these words, every time I hear this song. A song that takes me back to my childhood; the very origin of of the pain and suffering I would endure as an adult, that I only recently began to truly understand. You see, daily anxiety and frequent panic attacks will take a person to the brink of their madness, and by madness I mean very “normal” human madness.  Motherhood will do that to you. 
 But motherhood done consciously, when the rest of your world - and the entire world at that - is largely unconscious, will bring you to an acute awareness more quickly. And that’s what happened to me.

I lost my voice somewhere at a time in childhood I couldn’t begin to pinpoint.  I don’t remember a time when my authentic nature was honored.  There was no sudden shift, I was born into a world not meant for me. I had a conscious awareness that I could’t make sense of, and a family life that valued an obedient, “good” child more than a curious, and free-spirited one with an “otherness” to her that they simply couldn’t understand, let alone honor. So, I kept my perceptions to myself. I conformed to a life that wasn’t meant for a child like me, and lost my authentic voice and natural expression along the way; out of necessity to stay out of trouble, mostly, but also because of a desire to belong, to fit in and be loved. This fracture from my authentic, true self would follow me the rest of my life.  
Dr. Gabor Mate’ says: “People have two basic needs: authenticity and attachment. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity”. Gabor, as he prefers to be called, is spot on.  Rarely are parents conscious enough when having & raising children to avoid doing this to their kids.  So, out of a need for survival, a very real “fear of annihilation”, as wisdom teacher Eckhart Tolle has called it, we become what our parents expect of us. Our minds are conditioned, and the fractured sense of self begins; only to grow more and more dense as the years go by.  We lose our connection to our authentic Selves, our true, abundant nature, and we live in a seemingly perpetual state of fear and lack. Most of us chase a feeling of desire for wholeness the rest of our lives. We chase attachment to fill the void left behind in childhood. 
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Some find the “you complete me” scenario with a romantic partner, some through one addiction or another; some with both.  But none last for long. Satisfaction and fulfillment cannot be found on the outside of ourselves, you see, and soon after the “compete” feelings end, the suffering in relationship begins. Soon after the “complete” feelings from alcohol, drugs, food shopping, video games, etc end, the internal suffering and feelings of lack begin.  What we are all chasing at the end of the day is a bridge back to the authentic, abundant Self that was fractured in childhood. 
A validation that we are enough.  
That we are worthy. 
That we are lovable just as we are. 
We are seeking a connection back to the unconditional love we all are within, but are told is outside of ourselves because that was the reality of our childhoods.

And, boy, did I do my share of seeking fulfillment outside of myself. I never lost my perceptions, or my drive for the meaning of life, but I did succumb to the conditioned thinking pattern that I could find happiness outside of myself, in relationships as well as indulgences.  
All of them temporary. 
None of them ever truly satisfying. 
Then motherhood came. 
And with it a determination to give my kids everything I didn’t have: Secure attachment; Emotional validation, and valuation of EQ as much as - if not more than - IQ. I would be a human they could feel safe with to be exactly who they were. I would honor their unique spirits and give them a space to realize their deepest dreams and fulfill their life purpose. 
I would be a conscious parent. 
Little did I know how the circle of fire that was my life would close in around me by making this choice, a choice that once made, there is not backing out from. When one awakens, one cannot go back to sleep.  And conscious parenting awakens you like no other.
Awakening to your own truth, so you can keep your children connected to their own, is undoubtedly best for everyone.  But, if you’ve built a life around you based on the illusions of the false self - the ego & inner child - this can cause conflict in a way that brings everyone closer to their truth, or force the unstable to crumble and then have to rebuild from scratch.
Our destiny was the latter. 
Always the truth-seeker, I was, and still am, determined to learn from everything happening, to make the proverbial lemonade out of lemons.  I fear not destruction and change, like the Phoenix fears not the fire.  As Maya Angelou says, “And still I rise”. This, has always been my way.  No matter the pain, the suffering, the trauma, I carry on, because, the cup, to me, is always half full. I feel, I heal, and I become more wise.  And the wiser I become, the more connected to my authentic Self I become, and the more aware of of my true life’s purpose I become. I took responsibility for the co-creation of the life I built, the relationships I engaged in, and I evolved when they weren’t working anymore, or when the suffering became so acute that they crumbled under the pressure.  
I did that.  
The madness, the conditioning of my mind, did that.  
And now I’m free.
So, after many years of trying to “fix” my marriage & family of choice, like I had as a child with my parents & family of origin, I made the very hard, but necessary choice to evolve, and consciously uncouple. Or, if you will, compassionately divorce. (The word divorce has so many negative connotations, I really wish there was another term for it.)
This choice, however well-intentioned, took me - and my body - to its breaking point.  Right after filing, and the reality of what had only been discussed (albeit many, many times over several years) was in front of us, I began developing symptoms of what I would soon find out was the autoimmune condition, Graves Disease & Thyroid Eye Disease. 

My mind has been through so much my whole life - familial and cultural conditioning, inauthentic living, abuses, traumas, repeated patterns over and over again - and my body now was showing me. Despite awakening to a truth that I am a deeply spiritual being, despite years of meditation and clearing my nervous system, despite flowing deeper into a life of spiritual wisdom teachings, despite trusting in the universe to guide me to my deepest callings to serve as a psycho-spiritual teacher & healer, my body still began attacking itself.  Some may say it is because of all of this, that my body did what it did. Building and living a life without an authentic voice, a life based on the lies and fears of the false self, eventually crumbles.  Which may explain why the average diagnosis of GD happens to women in their 40’s, (which is me). My soul’s call for authenticity became so loud, so irresistible, that finally, and for once in my life, authenticity trumped attachment. I was free, but not without consequence to what my mind and body had to be put through prior to that.

I’ll write a separate, more in-depth blog about the body/mind relationship of autoimmune diseases, and underlying commonality of childhood stoicism & hyper-independence many autoimmune disease patients have, but Dr. Gabor Mate’ notes in his book ‘When The Body Says No’,  “The young human being unconsciously banishes from awareness feelings or information, that, if consciously experienced, would create unsolvable problems….. In autoimmune disease, the body’s defenses turn against the self. In the life of a society - the body politic - such behavior would be denounced as treason. Within the individual organism, physical mutiny results from an immunologic confusion of self and non-self. In this disarray of boundaries, the immune cells attack the body as if the latter were a foreign substance, just as the psychic self is attacked by inward-directed reproaches and anger.” 
Being the “fixer” my whole life, taking on the stress and pain of others & holding it in, never being taught healthy boundaries or how to let go of other people’s pain that I absorbed (empathic children are here to be healers, but without being taught energetic boundaries, they never learn to let it go), never given the space to healthily express my own full range of emotions, including anger, took its toll. I formed intimate relationships from my false self (the fractured, fearful ego & inner child) and as I consciously parented my children, and held space for my them in the ways not properly done for me, the rest of my world crumbled, and so my body gave way to these forces. I learned a lot about my children being my spiritual partners and how to reparent myself from the very wise Dr. Shefali, and I truly trusted the process, but little did I see coming, my body reacting the way it did. 

As I dig deeper and deeper for the truth, I see why this has happened.  The deeper into my healing I go, the more I uncover.  Like layers of an onion, there’s always more to reveal.  I realized how much shame and embarrassment I harbored.  The fixer is generally good at keeping the family secrets, you see. They feel a duty to protect everyone in their family, including their parents. And without someone to talk to about their feelings, it all gets buried, and the false self solidifies. 

I had moments of reprieve as a small child, yes, like when I got to see my dad every other weekend.  He’d pick my brother’s and I up on Friday evenings, and on the 30 minute drive to his home, I’d lay my head down in his lap (it was a bench seat in his truck and it was the early 80’s, and no seatbelt laws), breathe a sigh of relief, and fall asleep as he would sing The Beatles to me. But, alas, it was only a brief reprieve from the madness, and the toxic patterns and conditioning would form nonetheless, and endure and inform my whole life. I’m working every day to heal those parts of me that show up, and block me from my true, authentic Self. Healing is a journey.

Through this healing process, I’ve seen more clearly, the calling of my soul; my purpose of being on Earth at this time.  I’m here to serve. Not to fix - fixing was a formation of my ego - but to serve. And while childbirth, in my opinion, is a deeply spiritual experience (especially when left undisturbed), my role as a birth professional is not the only way I am here to serve humanity. 
I have studied and certified as a psycho-spiritual healer in Transpersonal Hypnotherapy, with Dr. Shefali as a Conscious Coach, with Eckhart Tolle as a practitioner of presence, and currently with Dr. Gabor Mate’ as a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner. Trauma work is where I’ll be focusing my attention going forward, as I have listened to the whispers within, and intuitively know I am here to help people identify their traumas and shine a light and show them the way back to their truth; exactly what I’ve done for the past 10 years as a doula.  I will continue this important Truth-work in anyway that I can. 

xoxo, carrie
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LET IT BE
​When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shinin' until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be